Sunday, June 14, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
filler til i have something more meaty to write about...
I graduated high school in 2001. Little known fact, this was a year before I was supposed to graduate. Anyhow, during my Junior/"Senior" year I got braces. Well known fact, braces are a pretty big hit to a man's game, unless your game is really tight. For me, however.. "Little to none" doesn't leave much "Game Slack" to be had. Braces pretty much put my game in the negatives. So, I went into college as a brace faced, Seventeen year old freshman...
So, a few friends decide to go to a club and I go as well. I'm hanging out, a girl comes up to me from behind and taps me on the shoulder :
Girl: "heyyyyy"
(I turn around and she immediately sees my braces)
Girl: "Nevermind."
(I down the rest of my beer with my head hung in shame)
So, a few friends decide to go to a club and I go as well. I'm hanging out, a girl comes up to me from behind and taps me on the shoulder :
Girl: "heyyyyy"
(I turn around and she immediately sees my braces)
Girl: "Nevermind."
(I down the rest of my beer with my head hung in shame)
Monday, January 5, 2009
things my mom would tell me
This is one of my favorite stories to tell, I've told it several times before. But, for those who haven't had the privilege, here you go.
So when I was a kid, my mom would work the graveyard shift and my dad was taking college courses after work. All to better the lives of their children, and one day I hope to have a fraction of the dedication and selflessness they had for their family when I have my own wife and kids.
Anyhow, because of their schedules it left my sisters and I at home alone for the better part of the day. My mom, to this day, is a very paranoid person. I chalk it up to her watching the news too much. Like any caring mother would, she gave me instructions before leaving for work.
Mom: Don't answer the door when mommy and daddy are away ok??
Me: Ok, I won't.
Mom: Because some kids will kill you when you open the door...
Me: Ok... I won't.....
Mom: Don't open it to even old people, ok?? Because, sometimes young kids will ask an old person to knock on the door AND THEN POP OUT FROM BEHIND AND KILL YOU!
Me: ........
Mom: OK! Mommy loves you, be a good boy!
Me: ..........
Another time....
Mom: Don't make a lot of noise when mommy and daddy are away ok?
Me: ok
Mom: If they find out that we leave you here alone, they'll take you away from mommy and daddy.
Me:. ................
Mom: Ok! mommy loves you, be a good boy!
I remember one day, this boy band group (I think they were called Color Me Bad) came up on tv. And my sisters apparently thought they were cute or whatever and started screaming out of excitement.
I freaked out.
Sisters: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (girly screeching)
Me: SHUTTUP!!! SHUTTUPPP!!!!
(I was afraid we were going to be "taken" away)
So when I was a kid, my mom would work the graveyard shift and my dad was taking college courses after work. All to better the lives of their children, and one day I hope to have a fraction of the dedication and selflessness they had for their family when I have my own wife and kids.
Anyhow, because of their schedules it left my sisters and I at home alone for the better part of the day. My mom, to this day, is a very paranoid person. I chalk it up to her watching the news too much. Like any caring mother would, she gave me instructions before leaving for work.
Mom: Don't answer the door when mommy and daddy are away ok??
Me: Ok, I won't.
Mom: Because some kids will kill you when you open the door...
Me: Ok... I won't.....
Mom: Don't open it to even old people, ok?? Because, sometimes young kids will ask an old person to knock on the door AND THEN POP OUT FROM BEHIND AND KILL YOU!
Me: ........
Mom: OK! Mommy loves you, be a good boy!
Me: ..........
Another time....
Mom: Don't make a lot of noise when mommy and daddy are away ok?
Me: ok
Mom: If they find out that we leave you here alone, they'll take you away from mommy and daddy.
Me:. ................
Mom: Ok! mommy loves you, be a good boy!
I remember one day, this boy band group (I think they were called Color Me Bad) came up on tv. And my sisters apparently thought they were cute or whatever and started screaming out of excitement.
I freaked out.
Sisters: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (girly screeching)
Me: SHUTTUP!!! SHUTTUPPP!!!!
(I was afraid we were going to be "taken" away)
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
holy freaking hell
I am about as bored as I could possibly be. I realized that ever since my job got busier, I don’t surf the web as much as I used to and I have no idea what to read online anymore on slow days. Hulu is working like crap and I’ve read the same Cowboys news for the past 5 hours. At one point I considered creating a new blog on xanga because I’m not very tech savvy and it’s kind of hard to add pictures to posts on blogspot, but then xanga had a ridiculous amount of customization options and I gave up.
So, in an attempt to kill some time, I’m just going to recall a few random funny stories (some short/some long) that have happened in my lifetime. This will either be hilarious or an epic failure of a post… I’ll decide whenever I get to the end of it…
Here goes….
1. BB Gun:
I don’t know why this is the first thing that comes to mind, but when I was younger I absolutely HATED cats. Our neighbors cats were always defecating in our yard and strutting around like they owned the place, I hated it. At one point, when I was probably 8, I tried to run over one with my bike. The owner came out of the house and promptly cussed at me. I quickly rode away.
Continuing on, so our neighbor’s cat was yet again in our backyard… using it as a bathroom… dirty little bastard… so, I remembered that my dad had a BB gun and I decided I was going to kill the cat…
I got the gun, which was of the pump rifle sort, and went to the backyard. The cat was apparently friendly, or I’d like to think he was pretending to be- it makes me feel less guilty about the animal cruelty that was about to occur- and was basically wanting me to pet him. HELL no, I pumped the rifle, in preparation for the blood bath. However, I didn’t want to shoot point blank because of the lack of challenge and for some reason I thought it’d be a blood bath. So I shooed it, hoping it move away a bit and it did, under the car.
I take a shot, I miss and hit the concrete. I pump and take another. Bulls eye, I shot a hole in the passenger door.
My dad finds out and proceeds to lecture me and tells me that I need to grow up. I was 17 on the verge of moving to Houston to start college…
2. Bazooka Gun:
Staying on the subject of guns, I used to love Nerf guns. In particular, the ones that shot suction cup darts. BUT my dad refused to buy me toys that were weapons for the most part, water guns were the exception. So he bought me this Nerf Water Bazooka. Nerf being a company known for its quality did not disappoint. This gun would drench you in one shot.
Anyhow, one day my sister comes home from playing with her friends she was probably in the 5th or 6th grade, while I was in either the 2nd or 3rd grade; she knocks on the door.
I open it.
Me: “SURPRISE!!!”
and I shot her.
She was drenched, and pissed. Very pissed. She ended up chasing me down and shooting me in the face with the gun. Luckily I thought shooting her was so hilarious that I couldn’t stop laughing anyhow.
And, I lied… I was actually 19….
3. Slap bet:
I was reminded of this story because of a conversation with Andy Chiang. Anyhow, I was dating this one girl. She was not a very big PDA’ish type of gal, nor am I a PDA’ish type of guy. But she HATED it when mutual friends noticed us doing anything remotely affectionate to each other outside of possibly smiling. I’m a little more laid back about that kind of thing.
So one day, I kissed her near some water fountain and very randomly a mutual friend came out of the bathroom right next to the water fountain, saw us kissing and was extremely shocked- as we probably were not officially dating at that point.
The girl being kissed equally shocked, pushed me off of her and slapped me in the face.
That is all.
4. PUNCHED:
So one day, I’m driving to campus from my apartment. It’s a red light and I’m trying to make a right turn. So I check major areas that anyone would check. Pedestrians, one woman was chilling on the corner- clear. Cars coming from the left, not clear…
So, I give my attention to the left, waiting for oncoming traffic to be clear so I can go. Within a minute or so, it’s clear.
I start to go.
For some reason, I don’t know why, I stop. I look up. I see the lady formerly “chilling” on the corner kind of stumbling backwards. I think: “oh crap!”. So, I try to apologize from my car. My windows down because my AC didn’t work and I try to yell out “Sorry!”, but I think I either have a natural smirk about me, that I just look like an ass hole, OR I hit this lady a lot harder than I thought.
Let me tell you, I have NEVER seen a facial expression have so much range. She went from shocked/fearful to the most rage filled look I’ve ever seen.
She storms to the side of my car, I’m expecting to get told off badly and that’s OK because I deserve it.
No.
She swings at my face. Grazes my ear, thank God.
I’m shocked she comes up for another swing and grabs a hold of my shirt. I can’t punch a lady, plus she was huge… she probably would’ve tossed me around like a rag doll. I drive off leaving her fist shakingly mad.
My parting words: “CRAZY B****!”
Damn, I am an ass hole…
5. Graduation Drinking
The night before graduations one year, my roomies (Eddie, Soohyun, Phil, Sukhee, Ray) plus a buncha other folks and I all got pretty trashed downtown. We get home and decide to drink more. We get even more trashed, I don’t remember too much outside of a lot of laughing and that Phil can be a pretty out of control drunk. He threw a red barron’s microwave pizza at my chest, luckily for some reason I was shirtless….
Anyhow, we all fall asleep in the living room, but I dunno how… we all wake up in different areas or rooms and I find myself in Soohyun’s room.
Turns out his dad was coming to pick him up to go to someone’s graduation, his sisters maybe?
Anyhow, his dad decides to knock on the window of his room and I open the blinds shirtless and confused looking.
To this day, I bet his dad wonders what the hell was going on the night before…
Okay, I’ve lost the will to write anymore of these… and I’ve decided this was all worth a chuckle at best…
So, in an attempt to kill some time, I’m just going to recall a few random funny stories (some short/some long) that have happened in my lifetime. This will either be hilarious or an epic failure of a post… I’ll decide whenever I get to the end of it…
Here goes….
1. BB Gun:
I don’t know why this is the first thing that comes to mind, but when I was younger I absolutely HATED cats. Our neighbors cats were always defecating in our yard and strutting around like they owned the place, I hated it. At one point, when I was probably 8, I tried to run over one with my bike. The owner came out of the house and promptly cussed at me. I quickly rode away.
Continuing on, so our neighbor’s cat was yet again in our backyard… using it as a bathroom… dirty little bastard… so, I remembered that my dad had a BB gun and I decided I was going to kill the cat…
I got the gun, which was of the pump rifle sort, and went to the backyard. The cat was apparently friendly, or I’d like to think he was pretending to be- it makes me feel less guilty about the animal cruelty that was about to occur- and was basically wanting me to pet him. HELL no, I pumped the rifle, in preparation for the blood bath. However, I didn’t want to shoot point blank because of the lack of challenge and for some reason I thought it’d be a blood bath. So I shooed it, hoping it move away a bit and it did, under the car.
I take a shot, I miss and hit the concrete. I pump and take another. Bulls eye, I shot a hole in the passenger door.
My dad finds out and proceeds to lecture me and tells me that I need to grow up. I was 17 on the verge of moving to Houston to start college…
2. Bazooka Gun:
Staying on the subject of guns, I used to love Nerf guns. In particular, the ones that shot suction cup darts. BUT my dad refused to buy me toys that were weapons for the most part, water guns were the exception. So he bought me this Nerf Water Bazooka. Nerf being a company known for its quality did not disappoint. This gun would drench you in one shot.
Anyhow, one day my sister comes home from playing with her friends she was probably in the 5th or 6th grade, while I was in either the 2nd or 3rd grade; she knocks on the door.
I open it.
Me: “SURPRISE!!!”
and I shot her.
She was drenched, and pissed. Very pissed. She ended up chasing me down and shooting me in the face with the gun. Luckily I thought shooting her was so hilarious that I couldn’t stop laughing anyhow.
And, I lied… I was actually 19….
3. Slap bet:
I was reminded of this story because of a conversation with Andy Chiang. Anyhow, I was dating this one girl. She was not a very big PDA’ish type of gal, nor am I a PDA’ish type of guy. But she HATED it when mutual friends noticed us doing anything remotely affectionate to each other outside of possibly smiling. I’m a little more laid back about that kind of thing.
So one day, I kissed her near some water fountain and very randomly a mutual friend came out of the bathroom right next to the water fountain, saw us kissing and was extremely shocked- as we probably were not officially dating at that point.
The girl being kissed equally shocked, pushed me off of her and slapped me in the face.
That is all.
4. PUNCHED:
So one day, I’m driving to campus from my apartment. It’s a red light and I’m trying to make a right turn. So I check major areas that anyone would check. Pedestrians, one woman was chilling on the corner- clear. Cars coming from the left, not clear…
So, I give my attention to the left, waiting for oncoming traffic to be clear so I can go. Within a minute or so, it’s clear.
I start to go.
For some reason, I don’t know why, I stop. I look up. I see the lady formerly “chilling” on the corner kind of stumbling backwards. I think: “oh crap!”. So, I try to apologize from my car. My windows down because my AC didn’t work and I try to yell out “Sorry!”, but I think I either have a natural smirk about me, that I just look like an ass hole, OR I hit this lady a lot harder than I thought.
Let me tell you, I have NEVER seen a facial expression have so much range. She went from shocked/fearful to the most rage filled look I’ve ever seen.
She storms to the side of my car, I’m expecting to get told off badly and that’s OK because I deserve it.
No.
She swings at my face. Grazes my ear, thank God.
I’m shocked she comes up for another swing and grabs a hold of my shirt. I can’t punch a lady, plus she was huge… she probably would’ve tossed me around like a rag doll. I drive off leaving her fist shakingly mad.
My parting words: “CRAZY B****!”
Damn, I am an ass hole…
5. Graduation Drinking
The night before graduations one year, my roomies (Eddie, Soohyun, Phil, Sukhee, Ray) plus a buncha other folks and I all got pretty trashed downtown. We get home and decide to drink more. We get even more trashed, I don’t remember too much outside of a lot of laughing and that Phil can be a pretty out of control drunk. He threw a red barron’s microwave pizza at my chest, luckily for some reason I was shirtless….
Anyhow, we all fall asleep in the living room, but I dunno how… we all wake up in different areas or rooms and I find myself in Soohyun’s room.
Turns out his dad was coming to pick him up to go to someone’s graduation, his sisters maybe?
Anyhow, his dad decides to knock on the window of his room and I open the blinds shirtless and confused looking.
To this day, I bet his dad wonders what the hell was going on the night before…
Okay, I’ve lost the will to write anymore of these… and I’ve decided this was all worth a chuckle at best…
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
asian last names aren't that fun. (and other random stuff)
So, lately I don't watch that much television, with the exception of two shows. The Office and How I Met Your Mother (thanks ben), been meaning to get caught up with It's Always Sunny but haven't been able to find the time.
Anyhow, it made me realize how lame Asian last names are. I'm watching these shows and it sounds great to be referred to by your surname. Halpert, Beasley, Mosbey, etc etc. The only time I got referred to by my last name was in high school football, by my coaches and it was hardly cool. Mam, has to be the one of the worst last names to have. However, I've got nothing on this poor bastard.
_____________________________________________________________
So, this past weekend I went to my mom's company party. It was probably one of the most horrible parties I've attended in my life. It was very awkward also, my mom's coworker/friend was shaking my hand as we were introduced and with her other hand she sized up my bicep by squeezing it like she was checking a piece of fruit for ripeness. That sounds like it might be cool, but she had to be in her late 50s or early 60s. Additionally, my mom tried to introduce me to this girl. I'll never let her do that again.
It seems like everyone and their mom's, or my mom rather, wants to set me up these days. Even the lady who cuts my hair is trying to get in on the action. I must come off as being a pathetic, lonely, young man. Don't comment on that...
______________________________________________________________
Work has been ridiculously busy, I had my first 14 hour day here and I thought I was having an acid trip. Words were dancing on my screen, the fox from the mozilla browser logo was telling me to do horrible things and my sanity was severely compromised. But now that all the rollouts are complete, I'm looking at a relatively less busy schedule... I think... oh God, I hope....
My cube neighbor has a hernia of some sort, and I wish to God that I could be at least a little sympathetic. BUT, whatever sort of hernia this is, it's been causing her to burp loudly and almost uncontrollably. It's pretty disgusting because sometimes I can smell whatever she recently ate and funny sometimes when she burps mid sentence/word.
"Well according to this re-BELCHHHHHHHHH-port it seems like the break even BURP point is at 12 months."
Anyhow, it made me realize how lame Asian last names are. I'm watching these shows and it sounds great to be referred to by your surname. Halpert, Beasley, Mosbey, etc etc. The only time I got referred to by my last name was in high school football, by my coaches and it was hardly cool. Mam, has to be the one of the worst last names to have. However, I've got nothing on this poor bastard.
_____________________________________________________________
So, this past weekend I went to my mom's company party. It was probably one of the most horrible parties I've attended in my life. It was very awkward also, my mom's coworker/friend was shaking my hand as we were introduced and with her other hand she sized up my bicep by squeezing it like she was checking a piece of fruit for ripeness. That sounds like it might be cool, but she had to be in her late 50s or early 60s. Additionally, my mom tried to introduce me to this girl. I'll never let her do that again.
It seems like everyone and their mom's, or my mom rather, wants to set me up these days. Even the lady who cuts my hair is trying to get in on the action. I must come off as being a pathetic, lonely, young man. Don't comment on that...
______________________________________________________________
Work has been ridiculously busy, I had my first 14 hour day here and I thought I was having an acid trip. Words were dancing on my screen, the fox from the mozilla browser logo was telling me to do horrible things and my sanity was severely compromised. But now that all the rollouts are complete, I'm looking at a relatively less busy schedule... I think... oh God, I hope....
My cube neighbor has a hernia of some sort, and I wish to God that I could be at least a little sympathetic. BUT, whatever sort of hernia this is, it's been causing her to burp loudly and almost uncontrollably. It's pretty disgusting because sometimes I can smell whatever she recently ate and funny sometimes when she burps mid sentence/word.
"Well according to this re-BELCHHHHHHHHH-port it seems like the break even BURP point is at 12 months."
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